Dark Days

In some of my posts, such as my last one on mountain running, I fear I might give the impression I'm something of a recovery machine, that I'm an astounding success at recovering from my TBI.  If I have, that impression would certainly not be correct.  I have made mistakes (such as those discussed in Mike's Regrets), but what I think are more important from a day-to-day perspective are dark days,

I think all recoverees, myself included, sometimes face dark days, days where the weight of recovery seems too much to bear.  As an example showing how not to recover, I'm writing this post to talk about what I think helps for dealing with dark days: don't give in to them.

The ability to feel sorry for ourselves is a common human trait.  Whoever we might be, I reckon it's only natural for recoverees, myself included, to sometimes stand back and think, "man, this really sucks!"  A TBI can cause so much stuff to go wrong, there will likely be much to remind us that life is so much more difficult than it was before our brain injury.  It's natural that sometimes all of us will want to pack it all in, to give up and retreat into some deep cave somewhere.

Therein lies the biggest risk posed by dark days.  Do we give in and retreat from them?  That deep cave seems safe from the outside world.  Why not just head in there for a bit of nap?  The thing to remember, though, is that the deep cave provides little shelter from the effects of our TBI, it's actually quite cold and damp.

I think the trick with dark days is know they come, but don't last forever.  As we're experiencing them,  I think it helps to keep in mind that, while not much fun, things could always be worse.  What's important is to stay out of the cold, damp cave, instead standing in the sun as we keep getting into stuff.  Know that dark days come, but don't give into them!

Cheers,
Mike

My recovery: it'll be over when I say it's over!

People often ask me something along the lines of, "How long did it take you to recover from your brain injury?"  I usually respond with, "My recovery isn't over yet: I still think I'm recovering now."  The natural follow up question is, when will your recovery be over?  Back in 2008, I wrote a verbose post on this blog, How Long Does TBI Recovery Take?  In it, I talked about the length of my recovery depending on what goals I set myself.  One activity recently reminded me of the concept, though: my running.

Running in the hills above Wellington city, New Zealand.

Using my running as an example, I want to explain my new answer to the question of when my recovery will be over: it'll be over when I say it's over!

I had my accident shortly before I was to reach my goal of racing Ironman triathlon in 2005.  Being a goal-focused person, I was desperate to build back up to it.  As I started running again, I quickly realised how physiologically complex the activity is to do.  Gradually, I relearnt how to control my muscles well enough, particularly those in my core, to run properly.  Eventually, I was running well enough to support my finally completing Ironman in March 2010.

Even through Ironman, though, I carried a number of running issues.  A key one was that my right quad muscle group would seem to run out of push after about 20-30 mins of running.  The issue wasn't bad enough to stop me doing Ironman: If I walked ten paces, it would come right and I could start running again.  However, I love my running and it was hindering my enjoyment of it.  Once I'd finished Ironman, I was keen to get it sorted out.

In the second half of last year, I restarted my recovery process: I saw physios, tried new things like yoga classes, stretching and muscle exercises and talked to lots of relevant people.  After about six months of trying stuff, I made a breakthough: I realised it wasn't my right quad muscles I needed to worry about, it was my right gluteus maximus (as well as another muscle close by, the gluteus medius).  For some reason, exercising those two made a big difference to my issue with my quad.  Although they haven't solved it completely, just yet, I think they'll allow me to run well enough to train for and complete off-road running events (as per my photo).  (Off-road running seems easier on my quad muscle issue.)

Since I built myself up for Ironman (twice!), you may be thinking I'm someone who likes big goals.  You'd be right!  In New Zealand, one big goal involving off-road running is the 60k (37.5mi) Kepler Challenge, following the Kepler Track in the South Island.  Guess what I'm aiming to be next November?  ;-)

Herein lies my idea.  There are things like running that I really want to enjoy.  It is up to me to do all I can to recover for them.  No matter how long it's been since my brain injury, my recovery will only ever end when I decide to stop working out how to recover more.  It'll only be over when I say it's over!

Cheers,

Mike