Friends and TBIs

In comments on this post, I was recently asked how, following my TBI, I got on with the friends I'd had from before it.  I think this is a very understandable issue: TBIs often change the sort of person that we are, it almost stands to reason that we won't get on with our friends like we did, before.  The thing I think's important is accepting that we're different now and that, just as we've changed, our friends might need to change, too.

I myself was raised to only bother hanging out with people who are keen to hang out with me.  If people didn't want to hang out following my TBI (and I'm sure there were some), I just shrugged my shoulders: that was their choice and well, I had better stuff to do, any way.

In terms of meeting new people who might want to hang out with me, I love picking up new sports, joining new teams or trying new activities. Which activities do I try? As I explain in this post, Get into it, I love trying things I reckon I’ll enjoy.

Even with focusing on hanging out with those who wanted to see me, I'm quite sure that I still had much to learn about being a friend.  I've written up some thoughts on that issue here: Talking through people skills.

Cheers,
Mike

Being Sherlock Holmes

Recently, I've come to realise that what might help many recovering from a TBI is to think of themselves as Sherlock Holmes.  In this blog post, I described the idea that a TBI is like a fingerprint: every one is different!  Other recoverers sometimes asked me if I've experienced an issue they're facing.  Most of the time, I have to admit that I haven't.  However, I still think I can say something useful: recoverers should think of themselves as being Sherlock Holmes.

When I say this, I mean recoverers have to become an expert on deducing what causes or contributes to their issue.  Is it more severe when they're fatigued than when they're feeling rested?  Does it come on after certain activities, like eating particular foods or drinking alcohol?  To recover better, we need to be gurus about ourselves, we need to be Sherlock Holmes.

A part of being Sherlock Holmes and being very familiar with research on the issues we face: read heaps on the Internet or in books (although keep your sceptical mind when doing so); talk through the options with the right people; try different ideas of things we think might help us, just to see if they work.

In this post I wrote last year, I describe one issue I worked out how to deal better with only through a Sherlock Holmes approach.  I worked out how to help my right quad muscle cope with my running by exercising/strengthening my right gluteus maximus.  Learning this only happened through a Sherlock Holmes approach of thinking about it and trying different things until something worked.

Good luck with being Sherlock Holmes.

Cheers,
Mike

How to celebrate my recovery

I think it's very important for recoverers to celebrate the wins from their recoveries: that's another thing that helps keep us going during dark days. There are two things I think are important to the way I celebrate my recovery:

• some time ago, my brother had the great idea of not doing anything on the 20th February, the anniversary of my accident, but on the 21st, the "anniversary" of my recovery and
• consistent with my thinking discussed in this 2008 post that the state of my recovery depends on what goals I've achieved, I make special emphasis on celebrating my recovery when I've done something cool.

Earlier this week, I had a special celebration on the evening of the 21st. It was the seventh anniversary of my recovery and, during the last couple of years, I achieved the two big goals I discussed here, completion of my Ironman and my Masters thesis. I went out with my parents for a special meal that night to celebrate.

For some reason, I felt like I had an extra reason to celebrate this year, it felt like I was ruling a line under my recovery. Of course, as I discussed in this post, I firmly believe my recovery will continue from here. However, eventually I think our lives and our recoveries become inseparable. That was what I reckon I was celebrating: I was ruling a line under my recovery by acknowledging that my life and my recovery had become inseparable. I'll continue thinking through this idea so, if I'm confusing you by referring to it, please hold on and look out for my further posts on the subject.

Cheers,
Mike

To recover or not to recover, that is the question

If you're reading through my musings here and haven't yet picked it up, there is one fundamental thing I hope you take away from this blog.  It is this: as a recoverer, it's your decision to recover or not to recover from your brain injury!

A brain injury can give you a hell of a kicking!  And it will be a kicking the an effect of which others can only guess at.  My TBI certainly did.  This is me, almost seven years ago.

I stayed in roughly that condition for a long time, too.  This photo is taken approximately one month on from my accident.

Yet, do we have it within ourselves to choose to recover?  I cannot talk with confidence about what pulls us through when life hangs in the balance.  Once we're through that stage, though, I hope all of us recoverers believe absolutely, it is our choice to recover.  I've dedicated these last seven years of my life to proving this is so.

Five years on from my accident, I ran home an Ironman from a triathlon that had long been a goal.

Last month, I graduated with a Master of Arts from Victoria University of Wellington after writing, having written an 80,000+ word thesis to complete it.

I believe it is up to us to choose to recover.  I hope you will join me in making that choice and that the posts on this blog will help you for it.

Cheers,

Mike

Talking through people skills

I was recently asked by a fellow recoverer if I might write a post about re-developing people skills following a brain injury. Two things make me happy to oblige: I myself am very much a "people person" and I remain committed to helping those recovering from brain injury. What I think will help other recoverees out is talking through people skills in depth with a family member or empathetic therapist.

People skills are of course essential to how we get on life. Yet, they can also require a particular sort of brain power, including a strong sense of other people. For example, there are a whole host of conceivable answers to simple questions like, "What shall we do tonight?" Choosing the best one requires an appreciating not only the context, but also the person asking the question. Following a TBI, it is no surprise if recoverers have trouble with this sort of thing.

What I think's needed to help recoverers re-learn people skills is someone to carefully discuss people issues with. A family member might be the first port of call. However, if a good one of those isn't on hand, I'm very confident that many empathetic therapists would love it if someone asked for the therapist's help to improve their people skills. Talk things over with that person: how social were you before your brain injury, how social do you want to be, now? Talk to them carefully about your experiences socialising, post-brain injury: why did that person say that, why did that person get upset?

In my own case, I am lucky to have a very social mother. She of course understood the way I was before my accident and what sort of person I wanted to be. She merely offered suggestions and encouragement to help me be that person. She did things like encourage me to always ask questions of others and warn me that it's rude to simply walk away from a conversation you've been involved in, but are no longer the central focus of.

I encourage all recoverees to find someone to talk through social issues with. This can be seen as another application of the idea that we need to talk to the right people to recover better.

Cheers,
Mike

Dark Days

In some of my posts, such as my last one on mountain running, I fear I might give the impression I'm something of a recovery machine, that I'm an astounding success at recovering from my TBI.  If I have, that impression would certainly not be correct.  I have made mistakes (such as those discussed in Mike's Regrets), but what I think are more important from a day-to-day perspective are dark days,

I think all recoverees, myself included, sometimes face dark days, days where the weight of recovery seems too much to bear.  As an example showing how not to recover, I'm writing this post to talk about what I think helps for dealing with dark days: don't give in to them.

The ability to feel sorry for ourselves is a common human trait.  Whoever we might be, I reckon it's only natural for recoverees, myself included, to sometimes stand back and think, "man, this really sucks!"  A TBI can cause so much stuff to go wrong, there will likely be much to remind us that life is so much more difficult than it was before our brain injury.  It's natural that sometimes all of us will want to pack it all in, to give up and retreat into some deep cave somewhere.

Therein lies the biggest risk posed by dark days.  Do we give in and retreat from them?  That deep cave seems safe from the outside world.  Why not just head in there for a bit of nap?  The thing to remember, though, is that the deep cave provides little shelter from the effects of our TBI, it's actually quite cold and damp.

I think the trick with dark days is know they come, but don't last forever.  As we're experiencing them,  I think it helps to keep in mind that, while not much fun, things could always be worse.  What's important is to stay out of the cold, damp cave, instead standing in the sun as we keep getting into stuff.  Know that dark days come, but don't give into them!

Cheers,
Mike