Mike's Path to the Third Level of Acceptance

I described here three different levels of acceptance. Like I said, reaching the final level took me over a year from my accident and I needed the help of a kind friend of my father to get me there. Funnily enough, he isn't even a TBI recoverer; instead he has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).

First, a little of his background. My father's friend worked with him at an investment bank. The young guys there were tough, regularly working more than 80 hours a week! All of a sudden, my father's friend started suffering from unexplained fatigue. It gradually worsened and eventually he had no choice but leave his job. Years later, he has now recovered sufficiently to hold down a normal, 40 hour a week job while keeping a young family. I can only guess at how frustrating it must have been to lose so much ability in such a frustrating way without any obvious cause.

I was lucky enough to speak with him about a year after my accident. I continued to suffer a number of significant effects from my TBI. When it came to recovery, though, I felt very much like the young-buck learning from the old-hand.

Part way through our conversation, he said, you need to learn to let go of who you were. This was a real bomb shell for me; I quickly saw that I hadn't been doing that all. I'd been very focused on redoing the things I'd done before my accident. I was making common use of the phrases, "when I start doing this again" and "once I get back to that". I hadn't been thinking at all about letting go of who I was and what I used to do.

Learning that sort of acceptance certainly doesn't mean you can't try once more to achieve the goals you earlier had. But it does allow you to feel better about your progress in reaching any goal by better better enabling you to keep things in perspective. I can only regard what my father's friend told me as fundamental to my recovery.

Cheers,
Mike

The Hardest Thing of Mike's TBI Recovery? Acceptance!

In my post about TBI recovery and attitude, The Right Stuff, I mentioned the concept of acceptance. Shortly after writing about it, I was asked what was the hardest thing in my recovery. On reflection, I decided acceptance would have to be it! It's so difficult because acceptance is needed on so many different levels.

The first level is obvious, yes, I've had a brain injury. For me and many others, this one was or is easy! How else do I explain why I'm in a hospital bed with all of these jolly tubes sticking out of me?

The second level is a bit harder! It's accepting that, yes, I've had a brain injury and I can no longer do what I used to. Want to do something as simple as get from my bed to my chair? Whoa! What was once so easy is suddenly a massive undertaking! Done properly (and safely!), it involves me and at least two other experienced people.

The third level is the trickiest! Yes, I've had a brain injury, I can't do what I used to and I may never relearn to do it! So much has to be relearnt after many TBIs, it can be very hard to accept that the process of relearning might never restore the person I once was.

If you've had a TBI and this is the first time you've thought about acceptance at this third level, please don't despair. Accepting that you might not relearn to do stuff certainly doesn't stop you from having a jolly good crack at relearning it, as I'm doing now. Please see TBI recovery as not about restoring the old you, but as improving the current you! If you stop and think, you might well come to like what your TBI and your TBI recovery has made you become. I will write more about this shortly.

This third level of acceptance only takes up two of the first five paragraphs of this post. When I said it was the trickiest level, though, I wasn't joking! Indeed, Claudia Osbourn devotes an entire book (Over My Head) to discussing her road to this level of acceptance. I've described a little more of my own road here.

Cheers,
Mike

Listening to the Niggle

In my post about cellphones, I mentioned one of my memory problems; remembering things at the right time. Yes, an external factor like cellphone or even just getting a reminder from a family member or friend can make things easier, but neither is fool-proof. Instead, I can kick down the door and find a more natural approach to my memory deficits.

I've come to realise that my TBI didn't so much take away my memory, it simply changed the way my memory works. Now, rather than my memory chiming in with a big wake-up call, "Oh, I must do this now!", it gives me what I call a niggle. A niggle is a small, seemingly trivial worry that I'm forgetting something. When I get one, the best response is to to stop and focus on what might be causing it. Unfortunately, that bit of the memory doesn't come instantly and sometimes requires real thought, but, if I stop to think, it's much more likely to come back than if I don't.

Like I said, the niggle's something new and it will take me time to get used to this new way my memory works. Right now, I'm too tempted to simply ignore the niggle as nothing and continue on my way, only to remember what it was trying to tell me much later on. I hope I can focus on the new way my brain works and quickly learn to listen to the niggle.

I have found one way to make it more difficult to ignore the niggle. As I'm focusing on what it is I need to remember, I think about where I'll be when that needs to happen. What will I be doing? What will I be seeing?

I do not mean to suggest that every TBI recoverer will have the niggle. Instead, I mean to say that a TBI will likely cause a brain to function in a new way. Much can be gained from thinking constructively about that new way, whatever it may be.

Cheers,
Mike

Blogging About My Progress

In my last post, I talked about having a computer in my rehab centre. That's certainly not the only way my sister and brother-in-law contributed to my recovery. Shortly after my accident, my sister set up a blog to update family and friends on my recovery. It's called, Mike 'Happy' Wilkinson's Progress Reports. Happy was my nickname during high school (mainly on account of my regular use of my rather large smile!).

In my post about my computer, I mentioned how many of my friends had already moved, or were in the process of leaving, from my home country, New Zealand, to live in other places. As well as my own friends, my parents had a very large group of people who wanted to be kept up to date with my progress. The blog became a way for my family to keep everyone up to speed, whilst not having to cope with endless numbers of toll calls on the phone.

I definitely was in no condition to blog myself early on and the blog was maintained by my family. Eventually, I recovered enough to add my own thoughts and did so starting with my first post in May 2005. I continued posting until my discharge from rehabilitation about seven months after my accident.

One person reading the blog had no effect on anyone else doing the same. Also the blog had a very unusual topic, and so it became extremely widely read by many. That raises the somewhat important issue of confidentiality, but I have been and, with this blog, still am careful not to give away any information that might be financially profitable to the unscrupulous.

After I'd recovered enough, the blog was a very useful way for finding out what happened while I was still in a coma. Even now, the blog continues to be a way to help me recall a difficult, emotionally trying time in my life. I guess, when she set it up, my sister never realised the factor the blog might become in my recovery, but I am now very pleased she did so.

Cheers,
Mike

The TBI Computer Geek

In my post about the contribution of my family, I mentioned how my sister and brother-in-law set me up with a computer while I was still in my rehabilitation centre. I should explain a little better about it.

After I'd recovered enough to do so, I became very desperate to be back online. I'm an economist and, since computers are so important for report writing in my work, I am very used to nearly always being online. As well as that when I had my accident, I was entering a time in my life when nearly all of my friends were leaving my home country, New Zealand, mainly to live and work in Europe . In this country, it's called an OE or overseas experience and this Wikipedia article explains it more. Being online was becoming my only way of keeping in close touch with a rapidly increasing number of my friends.

I'd been shifted from the intensive care ward in hospital to a brain injury rehabilitation centre. In New Zealand, the health industry is someway behind the information revolution and internet connections were unavailable to patients in the rehab centre. However, I was lucky enough to have, in my family, an extremely capable and helpful technology guru, my brother-in-law. He set me up with a mobile phone connection to the internet using my old computer.

As well as being useful for My Brain Trainer and writing for my recovery blog, the computer put me back in touch with all my friends across the world. It was a tremendous buzz to feel so much more plugged in with everyone, but don't take my word for it, here's the thoughts of my Mother, Lee: "Mike's computer allowed him to be proactive in his friendships again. No longer was he sitting around waiting for people to come to hospital to see him. He was back in control and we later realised just how important this was to his morale."

All this happened back in 2005 in little ol' New Zealand. Doing something similar should be a lot easier now, particularly so in larger, more populated areas. If your loved one has recovered enough for it (and not before!), I would encourage you to look in to getting him online, too.

Cheers,
Mike

The Right Stuff

After my posts, At Least It Wasn't Worse!, You Can! and The Game is Still Wide Open!, you might now be picking up what I see as most important for TBI recovery - attitude. Conversations with Jason, the author of this TBI and spinal core injury blog, have led me to focus here on my view about attitude. In Tom Wolfe's book, The Right Stuff, test pilots and astronauts need it to succeed and survive. To recover well from TBI, I think people also need "the Right Stuff" and I define it here as being about attitude.

Being stubborn is a big part of the Right Stuff! Never accept any constraint from your TBI. Always believe you can and will recover well! Constantly look for doors to kick down!

Acceptance is another key part. Accept that you've had your injury and now things may be different. Know that you cannot kick down every door and be comfortable coping with constraints whenever you do come across them. I've written more about the concept of acceptance in another post, The Hardest Thing of Mike's TBI Recovery? Acceptance!

Over the top of that stubbornness and acceptance, the Right Stuff is about being positive: always look on the bright side of things. Don't bother worrying about the past, focus on the future.

Don't worry if you don't think you have one or more of these things. I don't think I developed complete acceptance of my TBI until over a year after my accident. I've written more about how I did so here. In this post, I'll say that I don't think it's ever too late to find the Right Stuff.

Some recoverers have great trouble accepting their injuries. The Right Stuff is extremely difficult for them to find. I've written this post not for them, but for people still thinking about their approach to their TBI. If this is you, please think about having the Right Stuff. Work on being positive and accepting while being as stubborn as all hell!

Cheers,
Mike