Commonly, when people unused to brain injury see the effects of a TBI, their reactions fall in to one of two groups: sympathetic and unsympathetic. This post discusses the first group while (somewhat obviously) the post, Unsympathetic Reactions to Brain Injury, discusses the second.
Ok, sympathetic responses. Other recoverers out there will know what I'm talking about; things like: "You think your memory's bad, you should see mine and I don't even have your excuse of a brain injury!" or "Don't worry about it. I'm always forgetting peoples' names, too." Because of all my fatigue problems following my TBI, this one's my personal favourite: "You're tired? Yeah, I found that day/night/event really tiring, too!"
Such things have been said to me by some of the nicest, most kind-hearted people I know. Yet, at times, I've struggled not to find them incredibly condescending and very annoying. How could such kind things possibly be taken that way? Your brain injury could well be the hardest thing you've ever dealt with (mine is and, hopefully, always will be). The problems mine caused were unlike anything I'd come across before.
They were so different and so hard to deal with, it felt like no one could possibly claim to know what it was like. Comments implying otherwise seemed utterly ludicrous. How could any normal person understand how difficult this is? How can they try to make me feel better when they've got no idea what it's like?
My instant reaction was to grit my teeth and take the statement badly. What I needed was to relax! The person saying it certainly doesn't mean it to cause such anger. They are trying to make it a bit easier, to make the recoverer feel better about their troubles. Most important of all, they say it because they're being sympathetic and they're trying to their best to understand. Of good friends or anyone else, it's difficult to ask for more than that.
I realised this early on, but it still required effort to make myself relax when such things were said. Upon hearing them, I had to remember to think first, what does the speaker understand about brain injury, and then, second, how do they intend I take what they've just said. Making that a habit made it a lot easier to deal with overly-sympathetic reactions.
Cheers,
Mike
Saturday, 26 July 2008
Sympathetic Reactions to Brain Injury
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3 comments:
So what are the best comments you've heard?
Hi Mike. Thank you so so much for your blog and THANK YOU for this post! I am a sort of writer (ish) and I wrote a long rant in my journal this morning about that line people use "at least you have an excuse". When I read it in your blog tears came to my eyes because I feel like I finally found someone who understands! There are SO many things I would rather have than a poxy excuse! A healthy brain, good balance, healthy relationships, no facial scarring, an ability to concentrate, an ability to go out with friends until late! Anyway, I am preaching to the converted of course because you will know exactly what I mean! And as you can hear, I am nowhere near your level of acceptance yet. I really hope I can get there because I know it will free me but at the moment it seems impossible. Reading your blog has helped so much though, so thank you. Jess (South African diffuse-TBI recoverer)
Hey Jess,
Thanks heaps for the lovely comment. It's in the hope I can help people like you that I've put together this blog. I'm very glad you appreciated this post. It is a good thing most people don't get exposed to brain injury in their lives. However, it's also a pity - brain injuries are so huge to deal with, how can people not understand that better?
You didn't really say, but it does sound like you have a bit to deal with in your recovery. I can only encourage you to have hope. Things will get better. And, whatever you think you don't have, you will have so much else: for example, you appear to have kept your ability to write well, one thing I observe from your comment.
As I've written on this blog, acceptance is another thing that's pretty important to get. Don't worry, though, it's something that only comes with time, I think. (It took me a good while to find it, myself.)
It's good you keep a journal. I encourage you to write down the small stuff you do and are re-learning to do. Progress only happens slowly, but keep the faith that it does still happen. Keeping a journal might help you see that.
Best wishes with your further recovering, Jess. Have hope. And keep aiming to recover as best you can. If you do want to chat a bit more, please drop me an email to howtorecover@gmail.com
Cheers,
Mike
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